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Disembodied

PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 12:35 am
by Saturn
Another of my failed spur of the moment extempore little exercises in self-coruscation.

Disembodied

Disembodied;
Remote I feel.
A squatter
Inhabits me.

Enveloped;
Entombed;
Enchained
Is my heart.

A captive;
Mandatory
Life sentence
Unrepealed.

What crime
Led it here?
What law
Binds it still?

What reprieve
Can there be?
What freedom
Can it gain?

The heart:
That guest;
Usurps all
Of my self.

Inhaling me,
Involving me
Entangling me
In utter ruin.

Kill me now,
Set me free,
Or if I die
Blame not me.

Re: Disembodied

PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 3:39 pm
by Kaki
Saturn wrote:Kill me now,
Set me free,
Or if I die
Blame not me.


Yay!!! I love the ending!!! :lol:
I was wondering when you were going to post something new. Very nice.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:33 pm
by Saturn
Thanks :D

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 6:39 am
by dks
Disembodied;
Remote I feel.
A squatter
Inhabits me.

Enveloped;
Entombed;
Enchained
Is my heart.

A captive;
Mandatory
Life sentence
Unrepealed.

What crime
Led it here?
What law
Binds it still?


Now that's just damn good...you know a poem is great when you think you stumble across internal rhyme, but then you go back and realize that it's not actually there...that's how fitting and spot on your word choice is, good man...your work sort of stands right behind me and taps me on the shoulder as if to say, "Boo." Terse, but powerfully stated...I love your poetry, Stephen. :shock:

"A squatter inhabits me?"

I f**cking love that...where'd you get that? Too good, so it is...

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 12:39 pm
by Saturn
I have no idea where I got that image from, it just came to me at that moment.

You really do praise stuff like this too much Denise.

It really is poor stuff indeed.

The same themes, the same stupid unrequited love, the same agonies, the same unrelenting misery.

You are a teacher. If a pupil in a creative writing class gave you some of my stuff as homework would you honestly rate it at all?

Be honest.

EDIT - ignore this I'm feeling like a piece of shit today. :(

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 10:01 pm
by Kaki
If it makes you feel better we would print it in the Harelquin if you were a student at our school. We love poetry but the other students don't seem to want to share anything good.

:)

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 10:58 pm
by edwardkeenaghan
Yes saturn Is maith liom your poem,you do write with a certain edge which is refreshing,crisp to the point and heartfelt.

:D :D :D

Re: :)

PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 12:56 am
by Saturn
edwardkeenaghan wrote:Is maith liom your poem


I have no idea what that means Edward sorry.

Is it it Irish?

I don't know any Irish. :oops:

PostPosted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 8:59 pm
by dks
:lol: :lol:

Stephen--stop messin'--you know some Irish, no?

Yes, I'm a teacher...but I love all your poetry and all your same themes...

:P

...so there.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:10 am
by Saturn
Seriously I know not a single word of Irish.

Edward has befuddled me here completely.

I'm not messin' :oops:

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 4:09 pm
by Malia
Saturn wrote:Seriously I know not a single word of Irish.

Edward has befuddled me here completely.

I'm not messin' :oops:


What about Erin go braugh? If I know that one, you should, too, Saturn ;) Though my uncle used to always say "Erin go bra-less!" :lol:

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 4:37 pm
by dks
:lol: :lol: :lol:

I love it, Miss Malia!!

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 10:52 pm
by Saturn
Nope, I'm still in the dark I'm ashamed to say.:oops:

My brain is sodden with wine :?

PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 1:06 am
by dks
Saturn wrote:Nope, I'm still in the dark I'm ashamed to say.:oops:

My brain is sodden with wine :?


...wish mine was...

PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 1:21 am
by Saturn
It's not worth it...honestly :?