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Unspoken words, unwrriten verse

PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 2:43 pm
by Saturn
Yet another poem on the same theme :oops:

Sorry, I can only write what I know, and all I know is this.

Unspoken words, unwritten verse.

Those unspoken words
Between us two now
Swill damply, puddles
Eating into a potholed
Stretch of a dank heart.
Foul as the stench of smoke
Corrupting with filth all
Organs of health and life.
I cannot expel them,
Dare not breath out
After holding my breath
Like a sub-mariner
Gasping for so long
Under the swirling
Tides of your affection.

This unwritten verse
I've been meaning to pen
Lies dormant, chained fast,
My hand is ever stayed
From publishing the whole
Of this hearts' history.
Ever has it been besieged,
Sacked and pillaged
With more senseless
And unthinking malice
Than any rude barbarian's
Desperate fit of destruction
Unchronicled, my true love
Will be lost for all time
Like a Dark-ages history.
_________

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 2:43 am
by dks
How did I miss this? :oops:

This flows so well:

My hand is ever stayed
From publishing the whole
Of this hearts' history.
Ever has it been besieged,
Sacked and pillaged
With more senseless
And unthinking malice
Than any rude barbarian's
Desperate fit of destruction
Unchronicled
, my true love
Will be lost for all time
Like a Dark-ages history
.

I especially like the middle metaphor--nice and rich. I like 'sacked' and 'pillaged' used in the same line, too...another great one...

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:20 am
by Saturn
Aw stop me making me blush :oops: :oops:

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:22 pm
by AsphodelElysium
The integrity of your lines is wonderfully sound. Enjambment can sometimes ruin the continuation of a metaphor but you handle it very well. This is an exceptional poem. :D

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:24 pm
by Saturn
Thank you AsphodelElysium I really appreciate that :P