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Jealous love

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 11:49 pm
by Saturn
Jealous love

My love it is a jealous one.
Lovers all would say such
If honest truth be told.
I'm jealous of the shoes
Carrying you away from me.
I curse these rebellious arms
For letting you go free so soon.
And I damn that cursed train
Whisking you from my sight.
I blame too these weak eyes
That cannot fix your gaze.
I envy the clothes you wear
That daily caress that body
I yearn to hold so close.
I'm jealous of that babe
That steals all the kisses
That I wish were for me.

Love is so small a word
For so colossal a thing
A breeze is no hurricane,
A wave is no high tide,
A shaft of light no star
To Apollo's bright eye,

Love does not compare
Cannot in justice define
The yearning of a soul,
The bleeding of a heart,
The vast ocean of brine,
The fevered headache
Or this passion of mine.
_______

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:58 am
by dks
:shock: I missed this beautiful piece...!

How breathless and passionate...and tied together so lovely at the end with a couplet.

The metaphor works very well in the first long narrative...and the end packs an emotional punch...I love this:

Love is so small a word
For so colossal a thing


and the breathing end...

Love does not compare
Cannot in justice define
The yearning of a soul,
The bleeding of a heart,
The vast ocean of brine,
The fevered headache
Or this passion of mine.


So lovely, Stephen...this is great poetry...

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:44 pm
by Saturn
Aw shucks :oops:

I think the last two stanzas are better than the first.

The first is too busy, too packed with images but I intended it to be like that, awash with the emotion of the moment, while the next two stanzas are reflective of the passion of the long-term.

Or something like that :lol:

I'm not very good at analysis, even of things I've written myself.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:49 pm
by dks
Yes, the first stanza is densely depicted--but it works and flows and it's purposeful.

Edward pointed out last night how he really liked this:

I'm jealous of the shoes
Carrying you away from me.


He really liked the originality in that metaphor. I, too, love that. The whole first stanza is quite innovative.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:55 pm
by Saturn
Can I admit a slight borrowing of that metaphor from a line in a film :oops:

The metaphor, not the exact words.