Another Ode to Keats.

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Another Ode to Keats.

Postby jfk » Tue Apr 13, 2004 8:41 pm

Hi all,
I posted these in the homework/help section, but didn't get much feedback. I would appreciate some regarding these two poems I wrote about Keats. Actually, they are not complete pieces, but snippets. Anyway, some comments, good and bad, would be appreciated.

The beautiful figure of a hurried hand,
scribbling notes on tide-washed sand.
Barely perceiving the wonder that flows,
from ripened brain in teeming blows.

His genius fresh, his time near come,
The man, the flesh, did to death succumb.
Our terrible loss was heaven’s joy
The beauty he left: Let no man destroy.

Another short one....

A beacon in the starry sky, this man so dazzling
did not fly from here in a chariot of gold,
but left our world on a melancholy wing
and fled the sorrow that makes men old.
jfk
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2004 7:22 pm

Postby Despondence » Sat Apr 17, 2004 5:08 pm

I like the last two lines very much, "left...on a melancholic wing" and "fled the sorrow that makes men old," very powerful and moving.

I think the "ripened brain" and "teeming blows" don't work so well; feels a bit too organic and harmful, respectively. An image of something frail and vulnerable but also very passionate, would perhaps work better for that line.

I'd perhaps change the order of "did to death succumb" to "to death did succumb."

Your rhyming pattern is ok, but you don't seem to aim for any particular meter. Personally, I think classical-sounding poems gain a lot if they also have a classical meter. Yours could perhaps have been written on a iambic stanza or ballad form?

Just my 2€ worth...
Despondence
 


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