Page 1 of 1

Soothing light

PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:22 am
by soumya
Thou make things as silky as thee
I long for thy company
Thou shy smile touches my heart
Difficult it is to stay apart
Thou the rose without a single thorn
More precious than a Unicorn.
Thou make me to dream while talking to thee
In thy ocean of love, I’m the bee.
Even if love is the forbidden apple
I’ll eat it and be forgiven by the man in the chapel
Why to dream about blue sky and glory.
I’ll write my own new story.
Lost in thy love, day and night
Oh my soothing moonlight
Death is not fruitful without thine love
Life is not lush without thine love
Fate in the hands of time
Life is facing an untimely rhyme.
[/b]

PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 6:18 am
by soumya
hey guys,
give me some sort of feedback.......
looking fwd

PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 1:39 am
by Despondence
Hey Soumya - sorry, I guess I didn't really connect to this poem of yours. :( It reads nicely, but it feels a bit surreal to me - I'm sure that's not how you intended it to come across - but that's probably just me :) The archaics thou/thee/thy/thine also feel a bit overused, as if you threw them in just to make the poem less modern sounding. Some of the poetic cosntructs also feel like they are contradicting each other, like how the beginning feels like a rather modern love poem (except for the archaics), but then you go all biblical and medieval with the forbidden apple and the man in the chapel (that couplet sort of annoys me!). But for the most part, the poem has a nice and smooth feel to it. Regrettably, I'm not quite sure what to make of the very last line, "Life is facing an untimely rhyme", so the poem sort of leaves me with a question mark hanging over my head. Perhaps you'd like to share some of your thoughts about the various parts of the poem? Do be alarmed by my simpleminded "critique"; most of the time, I simply don't "get it" (happens to me a lot, actually :))

PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:43 pm
by Steph J
I think you're homophobic.. and everyone knows that homophobes are actually gay :wink: Good luck with finding a boyfriend.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2005 10:16 am
by soumya
Despondence wrote:Hey Soumya - sorry, I guess I didn't really connect to this poem of yours. :( It reads nicely, but it feels a bit surreal to me - I'm sure that's not how you intended it to come across - but that's probably just me :) The archaics thou/thee/thy/thine also feel a bit overused, as if you threw them in just to make the poem less modern sounding. Some of the poetic cosntructs also feel like they are contradicting each other, like how the beginning feels like a rather modern love poem (except for the archaics), but then you go all biblical and medieval with the forbidden apple and the man in the chapel (that couplet sort of annoys me!). But for the most part, the poem has a nice and smooth feel to it. Regrettably, I'm not quite sure what to make of the very last line, "Life is facing an untimely rhyme", so the poem sort of leaves me with a question mark hanging over my head. Perhaps you'd like to share some of your thoughts about the various parts of the poem? Do be alarmed by my simpleminded "critique"; most of the time, I simply don't "get it" (happens to me a lot, actually :))



Thanks for the comments.
i really like true comments like a good 'critique'
The poem is yeah romantic but sad....written some time back and the usage of 'you' (thee) happens to be more but i'm addressing the girls so the usage.
"Life is facing an untimely rhyme" - as if i'm dying and facing my end so it's untimely and things r happening which shouldn't happen.....
i really appreciate your comments and that u took all the time....

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:21 am
by Despondence
Thanks for your elaboration. If I understand correctly, it is then a deeply personal poem. Indeed it reads somewhat differently in this light - I guess I wasn't sure whether some of the images were just philosophical reflections or much more concretely connected to some of your own personal experiences. I guess the poem kind of grows on me, at that :)

PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 7:54 am
by soumya
Despondence wrote:Thanks for your elaboration. If I understand correctly, it is then a deeply personal poem. Indeed it reads somewhat differently in this light - I guess I wasn't sure whether some of the images were just philosophical reflections or much more concretely connected to some of your own personal experiences. I guess the poem kind of grows on me, at that :)


thanks,
yeah it is a personal poem and i wrote it early in the morning.
i was in an unusual trip........

PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:18 pm
by Becky
I think it was Jane Austen who said, and I paraphrase wildly, the first time someone said they had plunged into a vortex of despair, it was tragedy, but now that everyone does, no-one takes any notice. You have to find ways of expressing yourself as an individual, avoiding the standard 'poesie' images and expressions whilst still relating to the vortex-of-despairers that have gone before. Its tough, and like the Romantic ideal, impossible to entirely achieve, but I think you were there with
Life is facing an untimely rhyme.

Well done for submitting yourself so publically for appraisal, I don't know if i could have done that....

PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 10:02 pm
by Saturn
Becky wrote:I think it was Jane Austen who said, and I paraphrase wildly, the first time someone said they had plunged into a vortex of despair, it was tragedy, but now that everyone does, no-one takes any notice. You have to find ways of expressing yourself as an individual, avoiding the standard 'poesie' images and expressions whilst still relating to the vortex-of-despairers that have gone before. Its tough, and like the Romantic ideal, impossible to entirely achieve, but I think you were there with
Life is facing an untimely rhyme.

Well done for submitting yourself so publically for appraisal, I don't know if i could have done that....


Well done to you for saying what everyone was thinking, but too polite to say, in case of offending anyone.

PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 7:12 am
by soumya
Saturn wrote:
Becky wrote:I think it was Jane Austen who said, and I paraphrase wildly, the first time someone said they had plunged into a vortex of despair, it was tragedy, but now that everyone does, no-one takes any notice. You have to find ways of expressing yourself as an individual, avoiding the standard 'poesie' images and expressions whilst still relating to the vortex-of-despairers that have gone before. Its tough, and like the Romantic ideal, impossible to entirely achieve, but I think you were there with
Life is facing an untimely rhyme.

Well done for submitting yourself so publically for appraisal, I don't know if i could have done that....


Well done to you for saying what everyone was thinking, but too polite to say, in case of offending anyone.




Sorry i was too busy and visited this place after some time.
I've moved and i'll be back with some of my new verses very soon....
Saturn i really liked your poem:

"When love stings the fragile sense..................."

PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 9:14 am
by Saturn
soumya wrote:

Sorry i was too busy and visited this place after some time.
I've moved and i'll be back with some of my new verses very soon....
Saturn i really liked your poem:

"When love stings the fragile sense..................."


Thanks - and welcome back soumya :D :D :D