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Your honest opinions

PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 3:06 pm
by Brave Archer
First let me say that i've been an admirer of this site for a while now , I live in Delaware, any fans of his in DE? or close to the state. Any whoo, there is a girl I like and I've written a poem for her and want'd your honest opinions on what you thought of the poem, particularly does it make me seem pathetic? Any way here it is............


When wondering seem'd to be too much
And hope seem'd to never be enough
Just when the day seem'd to break without light
And my heart seem'd to fade into the night
Almost when it seem'd i'd never Love
She touch'd my Heart and made it all seem right.


I honestly don't even know if this is good enough for her, but i'm looking for opinions on this (positive and otherwise).

PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 6:10 pm
by Malia
I think your poem is sweet, Brave Archer. And as I'm a woman, I think I can say that if you present a poem to a lady from your *heart* (that is, you present yourself with love and sincerity) it doesn't matter how perfect a poem is or isn't. It's the love with which it is presented that counts most.

Regarding the poem itself, I'd say that in the line:
"And my heart seem'd to fade into the night" I would remove the word "the" and have it read 'And my heart seem'd to fade into night'--it sounds a little tighter.

I don't think the poem reads as if you are pathetic at all. I think it shows that you care very much for this person.
Good luck! I hope you're able to capture this girl's heart :)

PostPosted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 7:51 pm
by Despondence
Hey Brave Archer - I like it, it's good :) Is that particular meter something you composed deliberately? I'm totally useless at blank verse or exotic meters, so I might have tried to keep it consistently in iambic pentameter (ye aulde sonnet), or alternating five and four feet (e.g. "When wondering had seem'd to be too much / And hope did never seem enough" etc)...or something. But that's just me being an old-fashioned rustic. I'm sure she'll like it the way it is!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 8:43 pm
by Brave Archer
When I start'd that particular poem I had no idea what I was writing , but I thought it would have ended up a sonnet. By the time I had gotten to the last two lines I couldn't think of anything more that would have made sense without rewriting it all and I didn't think that would be fair. But, I do appreciate the compliments from you both.

Especially you Malia, coming from a female it gives me a extra boost of confidence, and it truly is appreciat'd, and it was from my Heart.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 1:56 am
by Saturn
As long as it's from the heart you'll be fine.


Hope you get the girl by the way :wink:

Poems nerve work for me, but then I'm weird to the whole female race:roll:

Honesty

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 3:21 am
by MonroeDoctrine
First of all if you're going to write a poem it needs some ambiguity. What gives a poem its beauty is what it doesn't say; e.g.

Three wise men travelled the sea in a ship;
and if the ship had been stronger,
my story would be longer.

Anyways if the poem said

Three wise men travelled the sea in a ship;
and the ship sank.


The poem would lack ambiguity, and it would be saying something directly instead of "not saying it" like the former poem.

In other words instead of saying I like you; figure out a clever way of saying it without saying it.
By the way I just communicated my advice about poetry without saying it.

Once Again..........

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 8:34 pm
by Brave Archer
At a moment when my muse is away,
And my time seems to run drearily slow
And heartache to happiness won't give way.
When fears of lonliness and abandonment show
Despondency creeps up and traps me in;
Normally I turn to you, but now where do I go.
At a moment when my muse is away,
Pain and desperation start to surface
Regret and pain are my only two constants
My life does become more and more empty.
Tears, frustration, and agony are all I know
Love, joy, and happiness I may never again see,
Begs, pleads and cries for help go unheard
At a moment when mu muse is away from me.




I just wrote this and came straight here to post it, all critisms are welcome.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 8:51 pm
by Despondence
It's beautiful, and straight from the heart, you can't make up something like that out of thin air (at least, I think you wrote from the real, and not the imagined) (and I'm happy to see that you completely ignored MD's advice :P ) Good work, keep writing, there's way too little of this posted here these days..

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:33 pm
by Brave Archer
Despondence wrote:It's beautiful, and straight from the heart, you can't make up something like that out of thin air (at least, I think you wrote from the real, and not the imagined) (and I'm happy to see that you completely ignored MD's advice :P ) Good work, keep writing, there's way too little of this posted here these days..



Glad you liked it, Despondence and did you see I used your name :wink:. And it is very much so from my heart.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 11:28 am
by Saturn
Despondence wrote: Good work, keep writing, there's way too little of this posted here these days..


Is this the same Despondence who a few days ago was discouraging people from sharing their real feelings and thoughts on this forum? :wink:

I've got plenty of mega-depressing poems I choose not to inflict on you all...

PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:50 pm
by Despondence
Saturn wrote:Is this the same Despondence who a few days ago was discouraging people from sharing their real feelings and thoughts on this forum? :wink:

Come on, man...that's not what I meant. What I believe you're referring to took place in the "Isabella Jones" thread, under the "Life and Letters" section, and I was only referring to our tendency (myself included) to litter the Keats sections with off-topic discussions. I have never objected to people posting poetry! Why, then I would be objecting to myself (and while that has been known to happen, it is not the case here). ;)

PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:28 pm
by Saturn
:?

I've put my foot in it again - sorry Despondence, I'm too sensitive, touchy and paranoid for my own good :cry:

PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 7:48 pm
by Despondence
Aw, cheer up mate -- you know what they say: "when you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble - give a whistle!"

Happy easter y'all :)