Unspoken words, unwrriten verse

Here you can post YOUR OWN poems, prose, music, or art inspired by the 'Muses nine'.

Moderators: Saturn, Malia

Unspoken words, unwrriten verse

Postby Saturn » Fri Apr 06, 2007 2:43 pm

Yet another poem on the same theme :oops:

Sorry, I can only write what I know, and all I know is this.

Unspoken words, unwritten verse.

Those unspoken words
Between us two now
Swill damply, puddles
Eating into a potholed
Stretch of a dank heart.
Foul as the stench of smoke
Corrupting with filth all
Organs of health and life.
I cannot expel them,
Dare not breath out
After holding my breath
Like a sub-mariner
Gasping for so long
Under the swirling
Tides of your affection.

This unwritten verse
I've been meaning to pen
Lies dormant, chained fast,
My hand is ever stayed
From publishing the whole
Of this hearts' history.
Ever has it been besieged,
Sacked and pillaged
With more senseless
And unthinking malice
Than any rude barbarian's
Desperate fit of destruction
Unchronicled, my true love
Will be lost for all time
Like a Dark-ages history.
_________
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
Saturn
Forum Administrator
 
Posts: 3939
Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 10:16 am

Postby dks » Tue Apr 24, 2007 2:43 am

How did I miss this? :oops:

This flows so well:

My hand is ever stayed
From publishing the whole
Of this hearts' history.
Ever has it been besieged,
Sacked and pillaged
With more senseless
And unthinking malice
Than any rude barbarian's
Desperate fit of destruction
Unchronicled
, my true love
Will be lost for all time
Like a Dark-ages history
.

I especially like the middle metaphor--nice and rich. I like 'sacked' and 'pillaged' used in the same line, too...another great one...
"I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the Truth of Imagination."
User avatar
dks
Dante
 
Posts: 1469
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 6:14 am
Location: Texas

Postby Saturn » Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:20 am

Aw stop me making me blush :oops: :oops:
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
Saturn
Forum Administrator
 
Posts: 3939
Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 10:16 am

Postby AsphodelElysium » Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:22 pm

The integrity of your lines is wonderfully sound. Enjambment can sometimes ruin the continuation of a metaphor but you handle it very well. This is an exceptional poem. :D
"Let me not wander in a barren dream,
But, when I am consumed in the fire,
Give me new Phoenix wings to fly at my desire."
User avatar
AsphodelElysium
Calidore
 
Posts: 353
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:58 am
Location: Virginia

Postby Saturn » Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:24 pm

Thank you AsphodelElysium I really appreciate that :P
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
Saturn
Forum Administrator
 
Posts: 3939
Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 10:16 am


Return to ‘Where’s the Poet? Show him! Show him!’

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest