Personal Eden

Here you can post YOUR OWN poems, prose, music, or art inspired by the 'Muses nine'.

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Personal Eden

Postby Saturn » Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:29 pm

Personal Eden

You'll tell me this is not
The end of the world
But my world is small,
Such a little paradise,
A personal Eden, built,
Designed only for you.
And you are lovely Eve,
The serpent: God too.

With all my own hands
I made a garden bloom
Populated with flowers,
Sweet fruit and things
That delight the sense
And ravish the eyes;
And the sun I've bid
Forever to only shine
On your golden head.

I have made smooth
All paths that touch
Your delicate toes;
Fought and frighted
All savage beasts
So that you might
Walk without fear.

I have seen the tree,
And swallowed whole
The unhallowed fruit.
I have the knowledge
Of all your own shame
And you of mine too
Yet nothing will ever
Make me cast you out
Of this bower o' bliss.

Then why when all
Is so rosy and ripe,
Why do you begin
To hide your face
And bury yourself
Deep in undergrowth
Where cultivation
Has failed to tame
That unbidden wild?

Is this garden of plenty
Not enough to keep
You safe and warm?
Is it claustrophobia
Or a wandering soul?
Am I not the man
Who would ever fulfil
All your many needs?
Cannot even I build
A comfy nest here
And keep you fed?
________
Last edited by Saturn on Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Saturn » Wed Jul 04, 2007 1:30 pm

Not a single comment on this one? :cry:

I thought this is one of the best things I've ever written :?
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
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Postby AsphodelElysium » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:06 pm

Saturn wrote:Not a single comment on this one? :cry:

I thought this is one of the best things I've ever written :?


Not a single comment, but its been viewed 50 some times. Its not that it isn't good, we've just been lax in our praise. Let me remedy my part now. :D

Are you familiar with the old adage, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink? This poem reminds me of that concept. Then again, some people are afraid to be happy or they are afraid of reminders. I think this poem deals with those themes quite a bit too.

I enjoy the sustained Garden of Eden imagine and I like how the physical in the garden has many layers. This is particularly powerful:

I have seen the tree,
And swallowed whole
The unhallowed fruit.
I have the knowledge
Of all your own shame
And you of mine too
Yet nothing will ever
Make me cast you out
Of this bower o' bliss.


These maybe my favorite lines though,

A personal Eden, built ,
Designed only for you.
And you are lovely Eve,
The serpent: God too.


Your last stanza is very well done also,

Is this garden of plenty
Not enough to keep
You safe and warm?
Is it claustrophobia
Or a wandering soul?
Am I not the man
Who would ever fulfil
All your many needs?
Cannot even I build
A comfy nest here
And keep you fed?


I like the how you ended with a question. It really sums up the poem as a whole. This is a very good poem, all your stanzas are solid, which is hard to do because even in the best poems there are weak stanzas or weak lines. You don't have any here, so this is exceptionally well done. :D Thank you for sharing. :D
"Let me not wander in a barren dream,
But, when I am consumed in the fire,
Give me new Phoenix wings to fly at my desire."
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AsphodelElysium
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Postby Saturn » Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:41 pm

Thank you for your kind words as ever AE :D :D :D
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
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Postby AsphodelElysium » Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:31 pm

You are most welcome! :D
"Let me not wander in a barren dream,
But, when I am consumed in the fire,
Give me new Phoenix wings to fly at my desire."
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AsphodelElysium
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Location: Virginia

Postby dks » Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:36 pm

Yes, I know...I'm hopelessly late in replying...forgive me, please...

Stephen, you could've even ended this after the fifth stanza--the first two are particularly powerful and tight in composition:

You'll tell me this is not
The end of the world
But my world is small,
Such a little paradise,
A personal Eden, built ,
Designed only for you.
And you are lovely Eve,
The serpent: God too.

With all my own hands
I made a garden bloom
Populated with flowers,
Sweet fruit and things
That delight the sense
And ravish the eyes;
And the sun I've bid
Forever to only shine
On your golden head.


These stanzas are almost too good, in a way...they hit with such beautiful blunt force, that you could've also ended your poem (you may not realize this) after the very first stanza. That in itself says it all, Stephen--in only a handful of lines--they impart a trembling sadness and realization...the speaker has made this person the very center, core, and burning nucleus of his/her world...and my feeble one line analysis is an understatement. That is so strikingly conveyed against the backdrop of the biblical images...hauntingly echoes a heartbreak of apocalyptic proportions...

...you succeeded brilliantly with this one...I agree... :shock:
"I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the Truth of Imagination."
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Postby Saturn » Sat Jul 14, 2007 11:23 pm

Your analysis is always welcome and much appreciated Denise believe me :D

As for the order of the stanzas...I never really think about things like that :oops:

I just start writing and stop when the Muse has left me...exhausted - it's an organic process, not a painstaking artistic one. :oops:

I know I probably should think a bit more and agonise a bit more over what I write but I like what I've written to be immediate, of the moment, to capture a specific feeling, or a specific thought which, once felt can never be expressed better than the moment it was first manifest.

Or something, I'm not explaining that very well :oops:

As I've said before my work is usually 95% inspiration and 5% perspiration :lol:
"Oh what a misery it is to have an intellect in splints".
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